Gaslighting refers to the systematic psychological manipulation of someone’s perception of reality, aimed at making them doubt their own experiences. It often involves convincing the person that what they are experiencing is false, exaggerated, or does not exist. This is one of the possible control strategies in the case of systemic abuse, which aims to take unconditional control of the victim.
The term gaslighting is derived from the 1944 US film “Gaslight”, which tells the story of the psychological manipulation of the protagonist’s wife, which leads her to become unaware of what is real in her own life, and to start believing that she is losing her mind. In the midst of these feelings, she begins to think that everything that is happening is her fault.
Gaslighting refers to the behaviours of a psychologically abusive person such as:
- Trying to convince you that you are mentally unstable, mentally ill or inadequate. The abuser may say that you are “going crazy”, repeat that your state of mind is disturbing, frightening, that your words or actions are abnormal, that you should see a psychologist or psychiatrist, that you need to take care of your mental health, etc.
- Trying to convince you that what you are feeling is irrelevant, fake, nonsense, that you are exaggerating things, overreacting, etc.
- Belittling your feelings and experiences. The abuser may dismiss your concerns by saying, “You’re too sensitive,” or respond with phrases like, “I was only joking,” “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re being unreasonable.” They may also tell you to “calm down” or “stop being so emotional” to undermine your reactions.
- Trying to convince you that you are imagining or making up the abuse. The abuser may say things like, “That never happened,” “I never said that,” “You’re lying,” “You’re imagining things,” or “It’s not what it seems,” in an attempt to distort your reality and make you doubt your own experiences.
- Trying to adjust the perception and evaluation of events and memories of what happened. For example, the abuser may say that a situation was completely different from what you remember, that you are making things up, that you “Need to check your memory”, etc. They may also alter facts to make you believe that events happened differently than they actually did. This creates confusion, uncertainty, and self-doubt, undermining your confidence in your own experiences.
- Denying that the violence is their fault, trying to convince you that you started, initiated or provoked it, that you were responsible for a misunderstanding or miscommunication.
- Hiding, moving, relocating things in order to mislead and confuse the other person or to start violence on that basis. Later, the abuser may try to convince you that you lost the item, misplaced it, etc.
- A sudden shift in mood and behavior – from aggression and anger to gentleness and care. This change often occurs when a third person is present or as a tactic to further confuse the victim about their feelings and the reality of the situation.
In gaslighting situations, the perpetrator tries to establish a relationship between “adequate” and “inadequate” persons, assigning to himself the monopoly of “truth” and “normality”. By constantly being in the place of the “inadequate” person, you may actually start to feel that you are “going mad”, that something is wrong with you, that you are uninteresting, unsexy, unattractive, etc.
In the case of male violence against women, the perpetrator may blame the woman’s dissatisfaction on premenstrual syndrome (PMS).
Sometimes other people may be used to add to and reinforce the perpetrator’s psychological manipulation. For example, the violence may be inflicted while a friend of the perpetrator is present, who may also claim after the act of violence that nothing happened, that you made up the event and so on. This can reinforce the feeling that you are “really going mad” and no longer know what is happening to you. A person who uses gaslighting as a control tactic often involves mutual friends and family in the psychological manipulation, pulling them onto their side. They may make these individuals believe they are right, leading them to think you are the one in the wrong, potentially causing them to distance themselves or direct reproaches toward you.. Or, on the contrary, they may tend to try to convince you that people and friends close to you wish you ill, turn you against your loved one or oppose your relationship, and that you should therefore distrust them, distance yourself from them, stop communicating with them, question their opinions, etc.
It is normal to feel disturbed and confused, tense and uncertain about your actions and feelings when you are involved in this kind of psychological manipulation. Sometimes it may even seem that you are truly “going mad” and do not know what is true and what is actually happening. These are all normal feelings in such a situation, so don’t be frightened and trust your judgement.
If you are experiencing these and similar actions from someone you love, you may be experiencing psychological abuse and may already be trapped in the abuser’s psychological manipulations. Remember that your attitudes and feelings are important and significant. No one has the right to treat you this way against your will.
So, what can you do in this situation? Here are several tips:
- Recognise the systemic nature of the psychological manipulation and acknowledge it as violence against you. Do not try to justify the behaviour. Instead, understand that it is not your fault and that the abuser is choosing to act this way to control you and your actions.
- Remain calm and avoid contradicting, justifying, or arguing about your opinion, perspective, or assessment of the situation. Keep confrontation and discussion to a minimum. In cases of systemic psychological manipulation, attempting to explain your feelings or thoughts can escalate the abuse and lead to more intense violence against you.
- Ask yourself what you really think is happening, what you are feeling. Trust your own judgement and perception of the situation. If you have the opportunity, keep a diary and write down what has happened, how you feel, and what you think. These notes can be valuable later in proving that the violence is systemic. If you suspect that the notes may be found and read by the perpetrator, make sure in advance that the perpetrator does not know about them and does not see you writing.
- Don’t wait for the situation to get worse, get help.
- Get help and support from loved ones. Tell your family and friends what is happening. For one thing, it is always a relief to talk and they can help you assess the situation realistically. Also, if the people closest to you know what is going on, they will be able to help you if you need it in the future. Also, if they are aware of the abuser’s psychological manipulation over you, they will not support the abuser when/if he tries to involve your loved ones in his manipulations.
- If you have the opportunity, end the relationship. The situation is likely to keep getting worse. If you decide to leave, make sure you are safe. Psychological manipulation can escalate into other forms of violence (such as physical violence) when the abusive partner realises that you want to leave.
- Look after your mental health. Seek psychological help.
