Couples therapy can be helpful in overcoming obstacles in romantic relationships, such as trauma carried over from childhood, communication issues, or intimacy problems. However, when one person in the relationship is abusive towards the other, it is recommended to avoid these services.
Risk to the victim
The goal of an abuser is to create and maintain an imbalance of power in the relationship, so during couples therapy, they will likely try to shift the blame onto their partner and downplay the abuse. If the therapist lacks the experience and expertise to recognise manipulation tactics and assist the person experiencing abuse in intimate relationships, it becomes easy to believe a charismatic and seemingly well-intentioned individual. Next to a frustrated, anxious, or even angry victim, the abuser might appear even more appealing. This is the image that most abusers cultivate behind closed doors.
There is a risk that the therapist may succumb to the abuser’s influence, leading to the formation of an alliance between them. Two people, who contribute to blaming the abused partner instead of offering the help they need, create an additional traumatic experience for the victim.
When the person experiencing abuse feels ready to speak openly with a therapist, their safety may be at even greater risk. For the abuser, having their violent behavior revealed in front of a third person can feel like exposure, humiliation, and betrayal. Feeling that the therapy session attempted to challenge their untouchable power and reveal sensitive details of their private life, the abuser might take steps to regain self-confidence. Then, instead of fostering positive change, couples therapy can have the opposite effect, becoming a pretext for an even more intense outburst of violence once they return home.
In couples therapy, both partners should feel safe. However, if the victim fears the consequences or senses that the therapist is siding with the abuser, they may withhold crucial information and continue to justify the abuser’s actions by blaming themselves.
A different therapy approach is needed in cases of intimate partner violence
Couples therapy is effective when both partners take responsibility for their actions, don’t lack empathy for one another, and change their behaviour to achieve a mutual agreement. Assuming that both partners share equal responsibility for the success of the relationship, couples therapists should strive to remain impartial and listen to both sides’ feelings and needs. However, if one partner is experiencing systematic psychological, sexual, physical, or economic abuse, the time spent in couples therapy becomes unproductive, because in abusive relationships, partners are never equal. The abuser already spends too much time thinking about themselves, rather than the other person. Instead of focusing on themselves, they need to learn to change the attitudes that justify violent behaviour towards their partner, as these attitudes eventually lead to actions.
Therapists attempt to help resolve conflicts by teaching couples new ways to communicate with each other, but in cases of abusive relationships the problem is not a lack of communication between partners. The abuser is the person who uses violence to dominate their partner through power, control, and the desire to maintain that control. Tactics such as provocation, ignoring, belittling, and other destructive behaviours are used to assert dominance, and these are not the result of poor communication or lack of skills.
Seeking compromise in couples therapy only deepens the victim’s lack of self-confidence, while encouraging the abuser to think that it is their partner who needs to change first. Under these circumstances, it is easy for the abuser to continue using psychological violence, constantly reminding the victim that the therapist said they should focus more on their partner’s needs and emotions. Consulting specialists must understand that changing the perspective and behaviour of the victim will not change the abuser’s actions, and therefore should not be the focus of therapy sessions.
People who are overly self-important and excessively confident are not likely to change and may not alter their behaviour throughout their lifetime. For romantic relationships where the abuser believes they are right and the victim is willing to change to stop the abuse, couples therapy cannot help – abuse is not a relationship problem because the decision to be abusive lies solely with the abuser. The victim of abuse must be worked with individually, helping them understand what is happening and showing them possible ways out of the violence. The abuser also needs entirely different services, aimed specifically at changing the attitudes that justify the use of violence.
