The concept of healthy relationships is used very broadly – it includes both the healthy, and the harmful relationships we form with romantic partners, friends, family members or any other individuals. The ability to form relationships based on mutual understanding, support, trust and openness is a vital part of life. When relationships are healthy, they also help to prevent domestic violence. These skills for forming healthy relationships not only enable individuals to form respectful interpersonal connections but also help them respond appropriately to harmful relationships or support others who may be experiencing abuse.
It is therefore essential that educational institutions – places where children learn values and develop social skills daily – include this knowledge as part of sex and relationships education. Teachers and other educational professionals should aim to ensure that young people:
- understand the difference between healthy and harmful relationships;
- can recognise and respond to bullying or coercive behaviour based on gendered expectations;
- develop skills to set boundaries in relationships;
- learn how to build healthy interpersonal relationships;
- can identify the signs of harmful relationships and violence, and know how to respond at the earliest opportunity;
- know where and how to seek help in cases of domestic violence.
Establishing Boundaries in Interpersonal Relationships
Harmful relationships often involve control, jealousy, and shaming a person for their hobbies, needs, or wishes. As among adults, abusive behaviour among teenagers can manifest as coercive control – questioning a partner’s whereabouts, frequent calls and messages, belittling, commenting on clothing or appearance, violating boundaries and pressuring someone to go beyond previously agreed limits. Teaching pupils to recognise these warning signs of harmful relationships can help them define their own sense of safety and wellbeing and understand that crossing someone’s boundaries in a relationship should not be tolerated.
Even when a relationship is not inherently harmful, i.e., one person is not trying to control or belittle the other, establishing personal boundaries remains important. Everyone has different needs and habits, and what may seem harmless to one person may cause discomfort to another. In such cases, it is essential to calmly and clearly communicate one’s feelings and explain what caused the discomfort or fear. This helps build harmonious relationships and prevent similar situations in the future.
In the context of romantic relationships, teaching about personal boundaries should include the concept of consent. In Sweden and Spain, laws now state that any sexual activity without clear mutual consent is classified as sexual assault. Although Lithuanian law does not yet include such provisions, pupils should learn from an early age that consent to sexual activity is a necessary and non-negotiable act. All parties involved must be in no doubt about the presence of consent, and each person should feel safe. When discussing this with pupils, it should be emphasised that “maybe”, “perhaps”, passivity or silence do not count as consent. The person initiating a sexual act or wishing to progress to a higher level of intimacy must always ask and receive a clear response: consent is an active act, expressed verbally and/or through actions, and must always be given freely. If consent is obtained through coercion (threats, intimidation, blackmail or pressure), “yes” still means “no”.
Agreeing to one activity, such as kissing, does not mean consenting to others. Even after initially agreeing, a person has the right to stop at any time. Pupils, often motivated by the desire for peer acceptance, may be more susceptible to pressure from others, so it is important that they know that refusing to participate in something that makes them uncomfortable should never result in shame or blame. Pupils should feel supported and have the opportunity to speak to a trusted adult about any difficulties they may be facing.
The Role of Gender Norms in Interpersonal Relationships
When girls and boys are pressured from an early age to conform to gender norms and expectations, they are forced into rigid roles that limit their ability to express themselves, which often affects their mental health. For example, girls are often perceived as too emotional or sensitive to be trusted with serious tasks requiring concentration, while boys are encouraged to suppress pain, which may later manifest as aggression directed at themselves or others.
Socially dominant gender norms and stereotypes also influence how pupils form relationships with others. A survey of pupils and teachers shows that many still hold the belief that a boy should always pay for a date with a girl. Such attitudes can create an expectation that the other person must “repay” this with kind behaviour, act against their own wishes, or even accept unwanted physical contact. Comments about appearance and directives, usually aimed at girls, on how they should dress are also rooted in gender norms. The objectification of women’s bodies and normalisation of appearance-based criticism are common in society, which young people replicate in their interactions. Likewise, expectations are set for how girls should behave around boys and what behaviour is considered acceptable for boys. Since pupils themselves feel pressured to conform to these standards, they impose the same expectations on their peers, punishing those who do not comply through gossip, bullying or exclusion.
Certain personality traits are also gendered, such as girls being expected to be submissive and helpful, while boys are expected to be aggressive. This leads to unequal relationship dynamics being justified as natural traits. When combined with interpretations of clothing or flirting as “consent”, this creates conditions for sexism, sexual harassment and gender-based violence. Only by being made aware of gender stereotypes and their harmful effects on interpersonal relationships can pupils recognise inequality, refuse to remain passive observers, and take action to stop inappropriate behaviour.
Romanticised Violent Behaviour
Romanticised violence is another factor that can prevent pupils from ending harmful romantic relationships early. Coercive control is often expressed through jealousy but framed as a sign of affection. For example, almost half (49%) of surveyed pupils viewed jealousy as a form of caring and a way to maintain a romantic relationship. When message checking, giving instructions on how and with whom time should be spent, and similar intrusions into private life are romanticised, the person experiencing abuse may feel deeply conflicted. On the one hand, they may sense the unfairness and hurt caused by the situation; on the other hand, the cultural environment validates such behaviour.
Young people often learn this viewpoint from those around them and through media, including films and the press. Therefore, educators discussing relationships with pupils should encourage them to critically reflect on how violence is romanticised in art and public spaces – romance and love should foster wholeness and wellbeing, not cause pain.
